Loosing The Guilt

Getting on Your Own Side: The Foundation for a Stronger Self-Relationship

By Emma Nicholls, Polyvagal-Informed Holistic Therapist (4 minute read)

At some point in midlife, many women reach a quiet, but powerful moment:

It comes as a deep knowing that something needs to change because you’re no longer willing to keep abandoning yourself to hold everything else together. 
And yet, when that moment comes, it’s often accompanied by something else: guilt. 

The Guilt of Wanting Something Different

It’s incredibly common for women to feel guilty when their needs don’t align with the expectations of others. Wanting more rest… saying no to an event… needing time alone… making space for healing… can all set the inner critic chattering with thoughts like: 

“Am I being selfish?”
“Will they think I’m letting them down?”
“What if I’m judged for changing?”

You could label this as overthinking - but it’s also the residue of years, even decades, of being conditioned to prioritise others first.
 Of holding on and holding it all together.
 Of being agreeable, dependable and needed. 

I hear and see the fallout from this pattern all the time - but the truth is:

Honouring your needs isn’t selfish -it’s a form of self-respect and self-compassion.

And actually, if you don’t advocate for your own needs and emotional wellbeing first, you can’t fully do this for others. Because when you're exhausted, stressed and dysregulated, your nervous system is in the wrong state to gift you with the calm, compassionate and clear thinking approach you want and need. 

What It Means to “Get on Your Own Side”

Learning how to get on your own side, especially during this epic transition, is the foundation for reclaiming your life from guilt, pressure and exhaustion. Getting on your own side means building an inner relationship that feels safe, supportive and steady - especially in moments of stress, discomfort and uncertainty. 

It’s the shift from: 

“What will they think?” .... to

“What feels true and right for me right now?”

It’s SO important to consciously acknowledge, it’s not about shutting people out. It’s about no longer shutting yourself down to keep others comfortable. 

When you’re on your own side: 

• You can notice guilt without being hijacked by it. 

• You trust your nervous system’s signals and take compassionate action to honour what you need. 

• You make decisions from clarity instead of fear. 

• You stop apologising for being who you are becoming. 

Why This Matters So Much in Midlife

This important transition brings with it a natural re-evaluation of roles, values, relationships and identity. Many women begin to mourn lost parts of themselves at this time… or feel a strong pull toward something that hasn’t quite formed yet. Things can feel so confusing and overwhelming.

Without a strong inner relationship, it's so easy to find yourself overthinking, having difficulty making decisions, feeling isolated in your experience and staying in familiar patterns just to avoid discomfort or to keep the status quo. 

This is where nervous system understanding and support, along with energy healing and rebalancing become so important.

They create the conditions for reconnection - calming your stress responses, quieting inner noise and opening space to listen inward. This tends to the needs of your nervous system and allows you to understand how to support yourself on a deeper level. It’s in this state of deep rest and regulation that self-trust begins to grow. 

And from there, the guilt starts to loosen its grip. 

Helpful Tips You Can Try to SoftenGuilt & Get on Your Own Side:

1. Name the guilt without shaming yourself  - When guilt shows up, try to gently name it: “Ah, here’s that old guilt again.” Remember, guilt often arises not because you’ve done something wrong, but because you’re doing something different - something more aligned with your own needs. Naming it creates a pause where self-compassion can step in. 

2. Ask: “What do I need right now?” - Instead of focusing on others’ reactions, bring the attention inward. This simple question helps reconnect you with your own body’s wisdom. Meeting your needs - even in small ways is not selfish; it’s a vital act of nervous system care and self-respect. 

3. Practice micro-moments of loyalty to yourself - Start with small, manageable choices that honour how you feel - saying no to a draining request, choosing rest over obligation, or speaking kindly to yourself when guilt arises. Each act reinforces self-trust and slowly rewires the guilt response. 

A Compassionate Invitation

If this speaks to you, please know that you’re not alone. So many women are waking up to this moment in their lives and are no longer willing to abandon themselves. 

- You don’t need to push through.
 - You don’t need to be fixed.
 - You just need a safe, supported space to return to yourself. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this:). I hope you’ve found it helpful but if you need 1:1 support or would like to connect with other women on the same journey through my group events, please reach out.